such is life

for the 12 of you who may be actually reading this (and i'm sure that 12 is an ambitious number) - i feel it's only necessary to explain why there's been a lack of posts lately. i've been totally burning my candle at both ends - it's not a pleasant feeling for sure. work has got me working non-stop on this and that - personal life has got me traveling up and down the east coast - and all the while - it's suddenly mid october and there's talk of the holidays just around the corner. where did this year go?

i took a trip back home to nc this past weekend to visit the family. joseph angelo (jak) was christened on saturday. it was a nice family service held in my sister's home. my father was absent as he and his junior bride were on their anniversary trip. my grandmother was there as well as my mother, suddenly psychic sandra, the konars from poland and beyond, and of course other random friends and family members. in all - a great time with the family - it was the 'going home' thing i had the issue with.

i'm not sure if this happens to everyone - but i feel every time i go home - i've moved light years ahead while certain aspects of 'home' have stayed right there in some kind of random time-warp (and not the good rocky horror kind.) raleigh is blowing up - housing and development is on the rise and the city is alive with a different kind of energy - it's everywhere and very apparent. the people in raleigh - however - seem to just 'be' - never changing - always constant - and stuck in some kind of dimension between 1990 and 2010.

i keep reminding myself that it is after all a red state - it is jesse helms country - and as my friend chris calls it - the deep south (though it's really too far from the actual deep south to be called that but it does make me laugh.) the town is growing - changing - the people aren't - beautiful homes - poorly decorated - new shopping experiences - loaded with nothing but the same - fashion forward - does not exist in this world.

for example - you can go to breakfast on a saturday morning in the new arts space area of town. there - big ed's - you'll find traditional breakfast - biscuits, ham, grits, sweet tea - the usual. here - in the middle of the new and trendy - the old and stale line up to eat. something old something new perhaps - i don't know.

then on the flip side of this was the nightlife. my ex - matt - was nice enough to play night host to me for 2 nights out on the town. somethings change - somethings stay the same. here were legends and cc - the 2 gay bars in which i grew up into my present gay life - the memories of both are massive and both have special places in my heart. both have had special face lifts over the years - cc added a new light up disco platform and scaffolding things flanking the dance floor (why i have no clue neither serves a purpose but to tacky up the place) - while legends added and addition (well they just took the old garage next door and turned it into a nonsmoking pool hall) - slight changes to the physical - but the people - were the same people from 10 years ago doing the same things - drinking the same beers - and talking about the same drama. but the crazy part of it - they were all new faces - the younger faces had replaced the faces of my past but the circumstances were exactly the same as i had remembered. granted - some of the faces were indeed the ones of my past - all of us had flashed forward 10 years - but nonetheless - same old same old. lots of old navy, abercrombie, and what me and my friend wes like to call n-double-c-g (north carolina club gear - you know the stuff - it'll melt before it burns and is made from fibers only a scientist could create.) long story short - not a damn person i'd want to sleep with.

am i a 'big city snob?' i felt so detached by the whole experience. it upset me that i felt above it all. i told matt that the next time i came to the area i more than likely would remove myself from that scene all together. hanging out is fine - but the bar scene - wow - depressing. thomas wolfe wrote a book - ' you can't go home again' - i believe it's true. i feel as if i've grown so far away from my roots - it saddens me but not for me - that the world that i once loved has been unable to grow with me. stranger in a strange land - but then again - that's why i live in nyc.